Guest Blog: Dying

Dying

by Mim (who blogs at www.saidsally.com)

I have not lived a life close to death. My grandfathers both died before I was 10. My grandmothers each passed away when I was in my 20s, both of them after prolonged and wasting illness. When each of them died, I looked at my parents and wondered: How does it feel when your mom dies? What does that grief look like? In both cases, my parents took their mothers’ deaths with cold stoicism that took me by surprise.

Because I expect something to happen when someone close dies. I expect an earthquake that everyone can feel. I expect boulders to push up from under the surface of the earth and create a monument that will stand forever to commemorate that My Loved One died.

I’m thinking about death because a coworker was killed last week, struck by a car on her walk to work. They say she didn’t suffer, and I hope that’s true.  She was a gentle soul who never – and I mean this truthfully, not in a we’re-saying-good-things-about-her-because-she’s-dead kind of way – never said a bad word about anyone, never got impatient, always made the best of what she had. At least while I was around.

The thing that hits me is, this grief business is all about US – these souls still hanging around in their bodies, feeling things, thinking things, eating things. Grief, I think, isn’t about the person who has “moved on.” It is, of course, about learning to live without someone who you took for granted was alive. (…) 

I didn’t cry when I found out. I’ve heard that some of my other coworkers collapsed sobbing, or called their girlfriends in hysterics. Why didn’t I cry? Was this some lack of emotion in the face of loss that I learned – or inherited – from my parents? I pride myself on being even-tempered, even (and especially) in the face of difficulty, but come on. There should have been some visible emotion. I felt sad, sure. And shocked. But no tears.

And you see? This is all about me. Not about her family, who depended so much on her salary and support. Not about my coworkers, who will have to figure out a way to wash their dishes and make coffee on their own. But about me, and my emotionless reaction to a friend I saw five days a week.

I say I don’t have a lot of experience dealing with death, but I suppose one never gets used to it. My husband says it’s normal not to know how to feel. Confused, shocked, disappointed, regretful, sad: normal feelings. I’m left feeling like I have a piece missing. Like there’s something I haven’t figured out. Like I don’t know if I want to figure it out.

After her memorial service today, I stayed in the chapel and had a few heartfelt words with God. We talk a lot, God and I, although not as much as we used to. I asked for comfort for her family and peace for those of us who will miss her. There, alone in the chapel asking for consolation, I was finally able to cry. And with the tears came a gentle sense of joy for the legacy she left. No harsh word. A quick hand to assist. An easy smile. These are the monuments that she left behind, carved with her own hand.

Photo via yaaaay on Flickr.

3 Responses to “Guest Blog: Dying”

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1. The Fickle Nickle says:

   November 9, 2010 at 3:17 pm

   This post was well-written!! Death is such an uncomfortable thing to deal with. I’ve lost quite a few family members in the past four years, and with each death my emotions waver between sadness, fear, confusement, anger, and… peacefulness.

   Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry for your recent loss… xo

   Reply
2. Mama P says:

   November 10, 2010 at 2:09 am

   This is a very good post! I have a big thing with death. I had a cousin die when I was 16 from a drug overdose, and it affected me, more than I ever thought. The thought of someone close to me dying actually makes me physically ill. I just try not to

   Reply